Children and adolescents are not yet adults and, although this may seem like an obvious statement, we may sometimes forget. It is important to recognize that children do not grieve in the same way adults do, but it is equally important to recognize that children do indeed grieve. If you know a child or adolescent who has recently experienced a loss, you may want to take a look at the following myths and suggestions. They may help you better relate to him or her and perhaps help yourself at the same time.

Common myths about children and grief

• Myth: Children do not grieve or grieve only when they reach a certain age.
  Fact: Children grieve at all ages. The way grief is manifested will vary depending on the child’s age, development, and experiences.
  
• Myth: The death of a loved one is the only major loss that children and adolescents experience.
  Fact: Children and adolescents experience a range of losses. The loss of a pet, separation by divorce or relocation, loss of friends or relationships, as well as loss due to illness or death can generate grief reactions.
  
• Myth: It is better to shield children from loss. They are too young to experience tragedy.
  Fact: Although we’d like to protect children from loss, it is impossible. Exclusion can increase fears and breed feelings of resentment and helplessness. We can support, teach, and model our own ways of adapting to loss and include, rather than exclude, children and adolescents.
  
• Myth: Children should not go to funerals or children should always attend funerals.
  Fact: Children and adolescents should have the choice as to how they wish to participate in funeral rituals. They will need information, options, and support.
  
• Myth: Children recover from loss quickly.
  Fact: No one gets over significant loss. Children, like adults, will learn to live with the loss and may revisit that loss at different points in their development.
  
• Myth: Children are permanently scarred by early, significant loss.
  Fact: Most people, including children, are resilient. While loss can affect development, solid support and strong continuity of care can assist children as they learn to live with loss.
  
• Myth: Talking with children and adolescents is the most effective approach in dealing with loss.
  Fact: While there is much value in communicating verbally with children and adolescents, there are other approaches that allow the child or adolescent creative ways of expression. Play, art, dance, music, activity, and rituals are examples of creative modes of expression that they may use to express grief and adapt to loss.
  
• Myth: Helping children and adolescents deal with loss is the responsibility of the family.
  Fact: Families do have a critical responsibility. It is a responsibility shared with other individuals and organizations such as hospices, schools, faith communities, as well as the community at large. In times of significant loss, it is important to remember that the ability of family members to support one another can be limited.

Suggestions for helping grieving children

• Repeatedly reassure children that their physical needs (food, shelter, rest) and emotional needs (love) will be met.
• Do not use the word “sleep” when discussing the death with the child.
• Allow the child to have pictures of deceased loved ones.
• Maintain the child’s daily routine, including tasks and schedules. Refrain from making unnecessary changes in the child’s life.
• Realize that children who experience loss through death often fear for the lives of other family members and/or their own lives.
• Tell the child repeatedly that the death is not his or her fault. For example, “Mommy and Daddy died in a bad accident-it was not anyone’s fault.”
• Let children know that they can still write letters and draw pictures of their deceased loved ones.
• Allow children to talk and cry if they want.
• Explain the circumstances of death to the child.

Contact Cedar Valley Hospice for more tips or information

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