Death is not a topic we discuss openly in our culture. When someone we know has lost someone close to him or her, it can often be difficult to know exactly what to say and do or perhaps what not to say and do. Below are some general hints to aid in supporting the bereaved in a meaningful and compassionate way.

Common myths of grieving

• Myth: Grief is a ‘one-dimensional’ experience.
  Fact: Grieving not only results in tearfulness or sadness, but it can also impact a person’s behavior (especially sleeping and eating), cognitive skills (forgetfulness or lack of concentration), emotions (numbness, anger), and spiritual reactions (questioning how God could ‘let’ this happen).
  
• Myth: Time heals all wounds.
  Fact: Time does not heal all wounds. For example, if your car has a flat tire, the amount of time you spend sitting next to your car will not repair the tire. It is what you do with the time that makes the difference. Many people feel that if they just get through the first year, their grief will lessen. This is not necessarily the case. Learning to live without a loved one is a lifelong endeavor.
  
• Myth: Tears are a sign that one is not coping well.
  Fact: Tears are simply one of many ways to express emotions. Tears are a means of reducing stress, releasing tension, and expressing pain. In fact, the healthiest form of tears is in an intense weeping, rather than the more controlled and stifled sobs.
  
• Myth: Since you did not personally know the deceased, you should not be upset by the death.
  Fact: It is very common for circumstances of any death to trigger memories of a painful experience in your own life. In addition, some issues about the death may touch upon some of your deepest fears. Following any tragedy, it is not uncommon to feel the need to connect with those you love…just to reassure yourself that they are safe.
  

Dos and Don’ts when a friend is grieving

Do…

• Open your heart. Your intention is more important than your words. It is okay if there are tears. There are tears because there is pain. Avoiding words will not erase the pain.
• “Say you’re ‘sorry’…then shut up.” This is the response from Rabbi Harold Kushner (author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People) when asked what one should say as a condolence.
• Reassure the bereaved. This helps people come to the realization that although feelings of guilt are natural, he or she did the best that could be done.
• Continue to conduct ‘business as usual.’
• Encourage a renewal of past activities and hobbies. Remind the bereaved of things they enjoyed in the past.
• Encourage new beginnings, new activities, and new interests.
• Help with random acts of kindness.
• Remember the grieving person on the anniversary date of the death.

Do not…

• Say, “I know how you feel.” You don’t.
• Feel you need to offer advice, unless asked.
• Talk more than listen.
• Attempt to minimize the loss by the use of ‘compensation comments’ such as, “At least you had a good relationship,” “It was God’s will,” or “What a blessing he/she is no longer suffering.”
• Tell a bereaved person, “Be strong. Don’t take it so hard.” This sounds as though the loss is insignificant and deprives the person of the natural emotions of grief.
• Use diversionary tactics. Do not veer away from the subject of death or talk about anything but the reason for your call or visit. This attempt to camouflage death ignores the task of the mourner which is facing the fact of death and going on from there.
  

Ways to help a friend who is grieving

At the time of death…

• Notify relatives and friends.
• Locate lodging for out-of-town relatives coming to the funeral.
• House sit during the memorial service.
• Organize people to bring prepared meals to the home.

In the months following the death…

• Assist in writing thank-you cards.
• Help sort through the deceased’s belongings.
• Offer to accompany the bereaved to the cemetery.
• Keep communication open, whether or not the person seems responsive.
• Suggest attending a bereavement or support group.

Contact Cedar Valley Hospice for more tips or information

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