Brad’s Story
Husband receives support, finds peace after wife's death
Brad Knudson of Waverly knows firsthand that grief can be crippling. It was only a week after his wife, Jane, died from Huntington’s Disease that he had a panic attack.
“One night it just hit me. I looked over where she used to lay beside me and thought, ‘She is never going to be there anymore.’ Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe,” he said.
Brad always considered himself a strong and confident individual, but he had no control over this. His first instinct was to get up and take a walk around the neighborhood, like he and Jane used to do every day up until a month before she died (even when he would have to push her in her wheelchair). It helped, but it wasn’t enough.
A week later, he joined a GriefShare at his local church, where he gained a lot of knowledge and camaraderie, but still found himself getting emotional every time he said Jane’s name. Then, he received a call from Cedar Valley Hospice’s grief department checking in to see how he was doing. That call started a fruitful grief support partnership that changed his outlook on living without the love of his life.
Jane & Brad's Story
Jane and Brad were married on Aug. 6, 1983, in Vinton. She grew up quiet and shy but became a strong woman with a quick wit and a cutting sense of humor. Brad recalls fondly how she went from being uncomfortable with her pony, Dolly, as a girl to someone who would ride a horse up the side of a mountain in Mexico.
“Jane was a very kind soul who was very bright and loved her kids dearly,” said Brad. “She worked at the Waverly Library as an accountant later on, so she always had two or three books she was reading.”
Jane was in her 30s when she was evaluated for Huntington’s Disease, a fatal neurological condition that affects your movements, thinking and mental health. She wasn’t experiencing symptoms, but because the disease is inherited and her father had the condition. Jane had a 50/50 chance.
It changed their lives, but Brad and Jane did not retreat – they planned. Jane started counseling right away to prepare for what was to come. They also bought a house on the outskirts of Waverly and began renovations to make it livable for someone in a wheelchair.
“Jane’s dad made it 26 years with the disease, so we thought she would live until her 80s, which is why it was a surprise when she died at 64,” said Brad.
Receiving Help & Support
Brad was Jane’s main caregiver, meticulously tending to her needs, medications and their relationship. He bought a hot tub to help with her nerve pain and an electric bike with a seat in the back so she could get out into new surroundings. They also did water exercises together, knowing that keeping her active would help keep her strong.
At first, he was able to manage his caregiving duties, but as the disease progressed, it became more difficult to both care for her and take care of daily tasks. His daughter Clare suggested having an aide from Bartels Lutheran Retirement Community come in to help. Then, they suggested Cedar Valley Hospice for even more support.
“I would have never been able to keep her home until the end without Cedar Valley Hospice. For a year and a half, they were there whenever I needed them,” said Brad. “People have this idea that hospice is for taking care of loved one’s death. It’s so much bigger than that. Don’t worry if you have it figured out or not, have Cedar Valley Hospice come in and do an evaluation. They know – not you.”
He especially remembers how well Bartels and Cedar Valley Hospice worked together to give Jane the best care. She would get her nails painted and get so much joy from listening to the music therapist. Brad also received support. When he called Cedar Valley Hospice in the middle of the night, help was there. When he had a question about pain medication, he got answers.
“They anticipated everything we would need. At first, I didn’t understand why we were sent equipment that we weren’t using, but when I needed that special wheelchair because one day Jane could no longer hold her head up, it was there, and she was comfortable,” added Brad.
Living with Grief
At Cedar Valley Hospice, we understand that every grief journey is unique, and that grief is ongoing and brings a wide range of emotions that can be overwhelming and hard to understand.
“Expressing your grief is an essential part of healing,” said Cedar Valley Hospice Grief Team Lead Laura. “Our services are available to adults and youth in the community at no cost. Talking about your feelings helps you process them instead of carrying them alone. Exploring these feelings with a trusted listener gives you space to be acknowledged and can help you make sense of your experience.”
Brad couldn’t agree more. Before talking with a grief counselor, he slept all the time, didn’t have energy, his blood pressure was elevated and most days felt “in a fog.” He has learned that there is a different avenue to finding peace – with work, acceptance and balance.
It has taken two years for Brad to be in a “good place” again after Jane’s death. He is working less, has his energy back, enjoys his quiet time in a healthy way and now looks toward the future.
“I used to think if I’m not always thinking about her, I’m forgetting her,” said Brad. “I’ve learned that it’s all right that life goes on, but it takes work. If you process grief in an effective way, you can not only survive, but you can thrive. When you collaborate with good people like Cedar Valley Hospice, you can find a good direction.”
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